Just so you all know, my daughter was constipated and not inoculated with H1N1. Being grateful that my kid is constipated is a first in this household. Pass the Miralax!

We had a new client today- well, let me rephrase. Potential new client. He made it clear to the receptionist that he has interviewed 4 veterinarians already to see who he would choose to spay his dog, and I quote, “none were up to his exacting standards.” He was here for a consultation to maybe do the spay with us. Gratis, of course.

After telling the technician he had no questions for her, only the doctor would do, he kept me in the room for 45 minutes asking me questions about a spay. How long, exactly, is a fast? 8 hours? 12? Is 9 ok? What are the elements of your pre-op bloodwork and what is each component looking for? Is pickup at 4, 5, or 7 pm? What are all the possible complications? That night, can they eat? Half portions or full portions? What percentage of dogs need e-collars? What is our emergency place and what is their consultation fee if the dog is sore at midnight and what are the chances of that happening?

Now don’t get me wrong- I am happy to answer clients’ questions. That being said, he’s not even a client yet. He refused to talk to my technician, who could have answered the vast majority of his questions, and tied me up for 45 minutes while my other clients with appointments had to wait. If he really has been to 4 other places, he would have heard most of the answers already. I went into the room ready to make a great impression and share how proud I am of our clinic and our protocol, but while I was sitting there being interrogated I started to think that maybe I would be happy if I did not fit his exacting expectations either. I mean, if he thought monopolizing me was a reasonable thing to do before he even committed to us, while using a free exam coupon, imagine how he would be after bringing his pet in? I’m having nightmares already.

I think it is reasonable for a person to come in and want to get to know us, to try and find out if we offer what they need and want in a veterinarian. We don’t really get to pick our clients, they pick us. Regardless, we try and keep in mind what personalities we work well with and which doctor in the practice might be the better match for them.

There are also some red flags that might pop up. Some are like little post-its sitting demurely in the background, while others wave like big red PADI flags snapping in hurricane winds. Someone who announces before setting foot over doorstep that none of the other docs in town (good places, too) pass muster is the type of person who will most assuredly have you on the phone for 3 hours each day for the week after the surgery, and will probably find fault in something. Or 5 somethings, since we already know he is like that. I won’t be able to make him happy.

I know in this economy that we need to be grateful for everyone who entrusts us with their pet’s care. This is true. It is also true that there are some people who wind up being more hassle than any amount of money could ever make up for. For that very reason, when he said he would think about it, I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Then he asked if we did surgeries on Fridays, so he could be home on the weekend to monitor his dog. Then I breathed an even bigger sigh of relief because THAT’S MY DAY OFF. Yes, I told him, Fridays are an exceptional day to have surgery.

Good day to you, high maintenance-potential lawsuit-medical board complaint waiting to happen man. I appreciate your thoroughness and determination to get the best care for a pet who is truly a sweet and adorable dog, so please forgive me when I say I hope I didn’t impress you that much.

I’m not sure if it’s the media, the hype over the impending swine flu H1N1 pandemic, or the fact that things really are bad this year, but we simply can’t escape talk of the flu, can we?

In my town, a healthy little 5 year old girl came down with H1N1 last week, and died. Where I’m not normally the kind of person to hover over my kids and go running to the doctor at every little sniff, this week I’m on edge. And hovering. Sniffle? Might be a cold. Might be swine flu. Stomach pains sending my daughter home from school? Might be gas. Might be swine flu. The unimpressed nurse at my pediatrician’s office said we can’t be seen until tomorrow, so I’ll spend the night with a thermometer stuck in my daughter’s ear every 10 minutes making sure she isn’t developing a spiky fever.

If that wasn’t enough, word on the street is that a ferret in Portland was recently diagnosed with H1N1. I don’t know a great deal about ferrets as a reservoir species (they are illegal in my state) but that is just one more thing we don’t need to have to be worrying about, is it? They do think the ferret caught it from the human, and not vice versa, though I’m sure that won’t stop them from being falsely accused at some point of being ground zero for some new Andromeda Strain if it sells a few more newspapers. The most excellent Dr. Janet at About.com has more information on that latest news for those interested.

And while we are basking in the fact that dogs and cats cannot get nor transmit H1N1 that we know of, out comes H3N8 to burst our bubble. The new strain of canine influenza (documented in 2004) is documented in 30 states now. That flu is though to have originated from equine influenza. Good gravy. Makes going to the zoo a lot less appealing, doesn’t it? I spent years studying this stuff and I still find it confounding and nerve-wracking at times. Conspiracy theories abound, though truthfully viruses are sneaky enough on their own that I can’t fathom any people being clever enough to direct their evolution and mutation.

I’m not going to reinvent the wheel and go into specifics about the H3N8 virus; instead, for those who are interested I’ll point you in the direction of those much more knowledgeable than I on the topic:

10 Things to Know about H3N8 (from the New York Times)

H3N8 Update (from the American Veterinary Medical Association. The bottom of this article has even more links.)

Overall point: Dogs have been getting upper respiratory infections for eons and eons, so the syndrome is nothing new. It’s simply a new causative agent. (kind of like, er, H1N1.)

I have the unusual dichotomy of being in a mildly panicked mode about my own kid, bundling her off to the pediatrician tomorrow just to be sure, while at the same time being the same reassuring medical care provider to worried pet parents. The take-home message is the same in both cases, which I’m repeating for my own benefit as much as anyone else’s as I’m sure to be hearing tomorrow:

Even if it is influenza, the vast majority of cases result in only minor illness.

Knowing who is going to be in the unlucky 1-5% is a power I do not possess.

When in doubt, go to the doc. That is what they are there for, to hand you tissues while you sniff and imagine the worst and remind you that your (fur)kid appears to be doing just fine. Pass the disinfectant, please.

When no less an auspicious blog than the Huffington Post tackles the topic of pet Halloween costumes, you know you’re onto something. (Go look at the 3-headed weinerdog. It’s awesome.) No longer do we need to hide in the bowels of PetSmart at Halloween, surrounded by other fringe element pet people. Pet costumes have gone mainstream- humiliate your pet with pride! Eh, who am I kidding. The average dog loves the attention. Cats are perhaps a tad more debatable, but I digress.

Before I had kids, I loved to dress my dogs up. Dog costumes are traditionally the province of the Yorkie crowd, generally speaking, so finding a costume big enough for a 90 pound Golden Retriever proved somewhat of a challenge. No worries, though, the delightful inhabitants of Etsy came through, and soon enough I found myself the proud owner of an XXXXXL ballerina costume for Mulan:

My husband and friends tolerated this with bemused indulgence, certain that once I had kids I would be over dressing up the surrogates. They were right.

Until now.

My kids are older now, and less compliant. They insist on choosing their own costumes. Store-bought ones. Licensed Disney character ones. Ones that don’t match each other. Bo-ring. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for my unwitting victim, I have a 4 month old furball who has come into this world knowing nothing other than what he’s been taught, and that will be, if I wear some stupid get up once a year, I get lots of treats.

I’ve found, now that I have the time to really assess the situation, that I find the exact same amount of delight in bedecking the dog as I did before kids. It’s just as much fun as it always was, maybe even moreso now that I can truly relish the whole costume-selection-control issue. I can’t wait.

My daughter chose to be a mermaid. My son is a pirate. Yawn. OK kids. When you are older maybe you will appreciate your mom’s creative genius a little more and let me dress you up as a serum separator tube and an endoscope. I’m not holding my breath. So with an eye on Brody and the other on the clock, I have 12 days to figure out if I have time to come up with something appropriately whimsical enough for my pup. Wish me luck.

Ah, fall. The leaves are turning, the air is getting chill, and people everywhere are assembling the assorted holiday regalia that autumn brings. Now we all know chocolate is bad for pets, right? I don’t need to tell you about that. Don’t leave it on the counter. Here are a few others, some well known, some less so, that many of us run into this time of year and may not realize how dangerous they are.

1. liquid potpourri

Little old ladies the world over take note: Sure, it makes your house smell like a simmering nutmeg-gy teapot. That’s exactly why those liquid potpourri warmers are so inviting to cats and dogs. Besides its scalding temperature, the ingredients themselves can cause painful damage to the delicate tissue of the mouth, throat, and esophagus. I’ve seen this one in practice and it was the astute owner who actually brought the container in for me to see; the person on the other end of the customer care line confirmed that is a known danger with these products. (Thanks to Dr. Louise Murray, whose tweet pointed me to this helpful ASPCA article linked at the beginning.)

2. sugar free gum

You’re trying to be good for the holidays, so you keep some sugar free gum on hand to keep your mouth occupied. This is one of those weird ones. Who’d have thunk it? We happily chomp away at our sugar free Doublemint without a second thought, but xylitol- the sweetener often used in these products- can cause life threatening hypoglycemia in pets. It takes very little to cause illness, which makes it even more scary. Xylitol is also found in other sugar free foods, candies, and toothpaste. The sweet taste makes it especially inviting for unsuspecting pets.

3. macadamia nuts

OK, so I don’t know anyone who hands out macadamia nut candies for Halloween, but they are certainly plentiful in many people’s nut mixes left out on the table for holiday parties. Macadamia nut toxicosis manifests in a variety of ways, from wobbliness to increased body temperature; there are a wide range of dosages that can cause toxicity. Better safe than sorry, I say, and eat them all yourself as soon as you open the can. Or send them to me.

4. Tylenol (acetaminophen)

So, maybe you overindulged a little at the office party punch bowl, and need a Tylenol to help you through your headache. In your impaired state, you leave them open on the counter. Or you see your cat has a bit of a limp, so you give them just a pediatric dose of Tylenol to help them through. Bad idea. This one is fairly well-known for people involved in animal health, but there are still a great many pet owners out there unaware of just how toxic this can be. Cats lack the ability to metabolize acetaminophen the way other animals can; the result is life threatening destruction of the red blood cells. One tablet may be enough to kill a cat.

5. Grapes and raisins

OK, all you health nuts who don’t serve alcohol, nuts, or candy at your fetes and instead put out a big fruit plate- you’re not off the hook. Keep the grapes away from Fido. The toxic property of these is unknown, but grapes and raisins have been found to cause acute renal failure in dogs and cats. Other produce such as onions and garlic are thought to be toxic in high volumes, but the exact amounts needed are unclear (as in, if onion powder is listed as the 16th ingredient in your dog food, it’s probably not going to be a problem.)

The ASPCA maintains an excellent database of articles for those wanting a more thorough rundown of poisons in the house. I use them as a reference all the time, particularly in regard to plants. The ASPCA Poison Control Hotline is well renowned as a resource for both owners and veterinarians, and I believe they maintain the most current database of pet poisons there is.

I’ve been on vacation this week. A much needed, long awaited break from the grindstone of work. I had fully intended on having a week’s worth of posts in the queue, but I only got as far as two before I realized we were leaving in 12 hours and I hadn’t packed a single thing.

So I’ve been trying to get some stuff done at night on a less than reliable wifi network, rushing such things as picking images for posts- which may or may not get you in trouble when you accompany a post about an aggressive husky with the image of a growling shepherd- and to those who were offended, I apologize. I can only plead mercy, and the fact that I was a wee bit rushed and may or may not have had a pina colada or two in the system while posting.

Brody and Apollo have remained in the care of one of my trusty co-workers, who aside from a quick text message the first night asking an unrelated question about the electronics has been blessedly silent. This means one of several things. Either:

1. All is well;

2. All is disastrous but she doesn’t want to ruin my vacation;

3. She tripped in a puddle of pee Brody accidentally left behind and has been unconscious for 3 days.

Let’s hope for (1). I wasn’t even off the plane at my destination before my boss, who was kind enough to let Brody come to work and hang out on a couple of the long days, sent me a picture message showing his incorrigible begging and informing me that he was barking at her for the dire injustice of refusing to share her lunch with him. I can’t imagine what she must think of me. I swear I don’t give him my lunch and he has no reason to believe this is likely to result in anything.

Unruly, begging, cake stealing teenager! Despite this I can’t BELIEVE how much I miss the little hairballs. I’m afraid Brody will be up to 60 pounds by the time I get back and I won’t recognize him. Or worse, he won’t recognize me.

Next week I’ll be back with my regular posting, including pictures and, oh, responding to posts and the like. I’m ready to head back home.

When a client tells you a pet is rolling over and acting really out of it, they get priority in the queue. That is how I found myself in the exam room with a small, middle aged grey terrier and a small, middle aged bespectacled owner.

“When did this start?” I asked her.

“This afternoon,” she said quietly. “Georgie just started listing to one side and kind of stumbling.”

The list of differentials start running through my head as I instruct the owner to place Georgie on the exam table, and I begin to formulate my questions as I perform the physical examination.

Georgie sits quietly on the table, peering at me through glassy eyes. His pupils have a normal response to light, albeit a slightly sluggish one. I lift his gums to take a peek at his oral cavity and it hits me- poor old Georgie smells like a distillery. Like my Uncle Bob two hours into any family event. The poor pup isn’t suffering from a brain lesion- he’s three sheets to the wind.

I finish the rest of my exam while the owner tells her story. Thankfully, he does appear to be in good health aside from his intoxicated state.  The owner sits across from me in her neat button-down cardigan, clutching her sensible purse on her lap. “We’re so worried,” she concludes.

I take a breath and decide how to relay my findings. It’s not that uncommon, unfortunately, for people to bring in pets under the influence of some substance or another- you name it, someone has given it to their pet. Getting the owner to admit exactly what they administered so you may initiate appropriate treatment is usually half the battle. In this case, though, it seemed very unlikely that the owner had any clue what had befallen Georgie.

“I think he’s going to be just fine with a little supportive care,” I tell the owner, who releases her breath in a sigh of relief. I decide to just blurt it out. “He’s drunk.”

Her brow furrows in confusion. “I don’t give Georgie alcohol!” she said. “I barely drink myself!”

I tilt my head. “Anyone else in the house? Any kids?”

She shakes her head. “I have a son,” she said, realization giving way to denial, “but he would never do anything like that.” I nod agreeably, stroking my chin like Sherlock Holmes. “Does he, um, have any friends?”

She takes the bait. “Yes!” she says emphatically. “I never liked those boys. Troublemakers.” She leaned in. “I can’t believe they did that did to poor Georgie right under my son’s nose.”

I shook my head. Me neither.

Fortunately for Georgie, after a night of IV fluids and rest, he was back to normal. As for the kids, I have no idea how the owner’s son or his friends fared once Georgie’s mom got a hold of them. I hope she really gave it to them- the idea of people purposefully intoxicating their pets is just awful, and as those of you in the field surely know, people do it all the time, and often with things far worse than alcohol.