My name is Dr. V. Actually, it’s Jessica, followed by a long last name that no one can ever pronounce correctly, so I think it’s best that we just do what everyone at my work does and call me Dr. V. You can call me Jessica if you insist, but don’t expect me to answer any questions about your dog if you do. READ MORE >>

1. The Hounds for Haiti auction is completed and the final tally once every auction is paid for will be

$1436.49!!!

Which is totally amazing. Thank you so much for all the generous donors and the fantastic people who bid on everything. Many of you did both.

FWIW I will never, ever do this again, so I’m glad it was a success on this one and only occasion. Between the hidden “deductions” and Paypal’s weird policies and everything being held in escrow for 3 weeks and being investigated by eBay for “security” purposes, let’s just say my headache was not solely caused by this cold I have. But that is OK because the end result was a good thing.

2. I am planning on opening up the Brodies next week- I have four judges and scores to tally to announce the finalists, then I have to figure out how to actually let people vote. I should have it figured out this weekend, but that’s what I said when I took on the Hounds for Haiti thing and that turned out to be an epic time sucker so I’m not making any promises.

3. We have a new microphone. It is very intimidating-looking. The kids have already recorded themselves singing 15 variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and using GarageBand to make them overlap in harmony, but the real purpose was so I could do an occasional podcast-type post.

I couldn’t decide what to talk about so I just started talking about dog food label reading, which as you know is my favorite topic, but also as you know is something I subsequently talk about all the time. So I put that aside and decided I should do something a little more fun at least for my very first podcast.

After being inspired by Jimmy Kimmel’s pummeling of Leno on his 10@10, I decided I would do something similar. Why I should see such a roast and decide “Gee that looks like fun” is beyond my comprehension as Leno’s reaction could best be described as “horrified and really uncomfortable”; I can only hope those who ask questions are a little less malevolent-minded. On the plus side, I can just ignore bad questions anyway since this isn’t going to be live.

So go ahead, ask me something. I’ll pick some questions, maybe 3, maybe 10, who knows- and record the answers just as soon as this ROTTEN STINKIN COLD goes away and I get my voice back.

January 29, 2010- Stunning the digital media world and tech insiders alike, Apple today swiftly announced a new product right on the heels of the much discussed iPad.

Introducing the iPawd:

The best way to experience pet ownership, adoration, and companionship. Hands Down.

Ingenuity

By digitizing the household pet, we’ve streamlined the pet ownership process from start to finish.

An all-in-one experience

Surf the web. Check your e-mail. Take it for a walk. Whatever your day has in store, the iPawd is ready to go. In fact, if you don’t plug it in and start using it by 6 am it will start whining.

Unsurpassed portability

Unlike animalogue versions that can weigh over 100 pounds, the iPawd weighs in at a sleek 1.5 pounds. Heavy carriers are a thing of the past.

Versatility

With our wide selection of yApps available online, you can customize your iPawd to your specifications. Trying to impress the ladies? Check out the Puppy yApp. Going for a run? Download a sturdy protective Rottie yApp.

Convenience

Unlike traditional models that need to be taken to expensive vets, your iPawd can be serviced at any Apple store. If you decide you no longer want your iPawd, just turn it in at the store and we’ll adopt it out to a loving home.

Where to buy

The mall (prices vary from $600 – $3000 and susceptible to early breakdown)

a reputable iBreeder

adopt an iPawd in need of a home for $45

I was in the office yesterday, dusting, when I came upon Emmett and Mulan.

They aren’t doing much in their pine boxes, just sitting around waiting for something interesting to happen. Much like they were in life, in fact. I don’t want to scatter their ashes yet because we’re debating moving in a year or two and I’m still feeling terrible guilt over abandoning Nuke’s ashes, buried under a willow tree at my last house. So they wait.

I run my finger over Mulan’s name, and sigh.

“Mulan,” my husband says over my shoulder. “Not the brightest bulb in the box, but she sure was sweet.” He pauses. “Emmett was pretty smart, though.” He always says this.

Oh, no. I have all sorts of wonderful new people popping over thanks to the Bloggies and what do I do? Write a post about vomit. I can’t help it. That is what we are all about here, folks. Dogs, cats, Barbies, and vomit. We like to keep it classy over here.

But I’ll make it up to you! I’ve been looking at the questionnaire we give to our new clients, which asks things like number of pets, the food you feed, health history, etc. I think this could be improved upon. In honor of Valentine’s Day and the many hours of junior high I spent taking the Cosmo Quiz of the month, I’ve come up with a new form that I think would be a very accurate predictor of whether a client and I are going to have a successful relationship.

I humbly present:

Pet Peeves- A Client Quiz!

Think you and Dr V are a match made in heaven? Are you and I going to have a beautiful relationship or a cat fight in the alley? Take this quiz to find out!

1. What kind of pets do you own?

A. A bunch of Golden Retrievers or other big dogs

B. Small, yappy dogs or <3 cats

C. Greater than 5 cats

D. Birds and/or tarantulas

Gross stuff, I mean. *I deal in gross stuff on a day to day basis- diarrhea, blood, bloody diarrhea, and abscesses. Cat bite abscesses, the Grandaddy of Nastiness. It is important that you keep this in mind as I tell you this story.

I was very happy when my daughter’s kindergarten teacher recently asked me to be one of the chaperones on their very first field trip. They were going to a nature reserve, and as a biology major and lover of all that nature-y stuff I couldn’t imagine a more fun way to spend the day.

I boarded the bus, my 5 year old hanging onto my leg like a little barnacle. We worked our way back towards the middle of the bus, where she suddenly had a change of heart and abandoned me for her little buddy Lucy, leaving me stuck sitting next to That Kid, the one no one else wanted to sit with, the one who stared at me without blinking for 5 minutes straight before announcing that she ate franks and beans the night before and had a lot of gas.

“That’s great,” I assured her.

“Guess what else I had?” she asked.

“Um, apples?”

“No.”

“Ice cream?”

“No.”

“I give up.”

“No guess! YOU HAVE TO GUESS!!!”

Behold the desert savannah. Usually a placid Garden of Eden for goldenbeasts and jungle ocelots alike, this tranquil landscape has been torn apart by a rare and brutal lashing from Mother Nature.